Look for the Fear Behind Other People's Attempts to Control You Instead of getting irritated with someone who tries to control you, try to tell what form of fear motivates their behavior. If you can soothe those fears, the control will diminish. Yet you may have to rely on your own insight and intuition, because controllers seldom know the fears that motivate them. In fact, if you asked what they were afraid of, they would probably say, “Nothing.” But if you can discover the fear that drives them, you'll be better able to respond with compassion instead of your own fear or anger. Defensiveness and anger tend to increase the fear of controllers, making them even more controlling, so trying to control a controller is a sure-fire formula for power struggle. Instead, begin by mastering your reaction to their behavior. Understanding, compassion, and self-control are the abilities you need to co-create with controlling people.