Know When You're Projecting, To Overcome Your Fears

Whenever you have a harsh judgment of another, you're projecting. This means, according to Webster, that you're unconsciously "ascribing to another [your] own undesirable ideas, impulses, or emotions." In other words, you're criticizing in others whatever you're afraid to look at within yourself. Projection is an insidious tendency in humans. People feel so righteous when they're doing it, not even realizing they're projecting. So how do you stop it? How can you control something you don't even know you're doing? Just go back to sentence one up there: Whenever you have a harsh judgment of someone else, you're projecting. In this context, judgment is different from discernment. Judgment condemns rather than simply observes. It's one thing to discern that someone is lying, and it's quite another to want to punish the person for it. If you have an overwhelming urge to punish someone, you are projecting. Period. Someone else's words or actions can trigger your self-doubt and unresolved fear from the past. Know that the force of your fury isn't driven by what's taking place right then, but by something that happened in the past—and you're afraid it will occur again in your future. The next time you catch yourself criticizing, punishing, projecting, take a breath and observe your own mind. Ask yourself, "Is it possible that my reaction is really a reflection of my own dislike of something in myself? Is it possible for me to see this situation in a different light, one where I can bring discernment instead of judgment to my conscious thoughts?" Be honest with yourself. In a close relationship, it's also wise to explain. You can tell the other person, "I reacted so strongly because what you said brought up my (fears, judgments, etc.) about myself, and I feel upset when that happens." Then apologize sincerely, and make it clear your reaction was really about something that happened in your past rather than about what the person said or did.